Matthew Kelly in his recent book “The Culture Solution” says there are two main reasons things don’t get done as needed in organizations. I include the next three paragraphs as they are necessary to introduce and better understand the intricacies of meaningful relationships as influenced by dreams, hopes, and expectations, (DsHs&Es), whether at home or in business. The following is verbatim from that book except my italicized comments in the last seven paragraphs. Enjoy!
First, leaders don’t create clear, mutually agreed upon, written expectations. Second, even if #1 does get done, leaders and team members don’t hold each other accountable for those clearly defined written expectations. Most leaders think their team members know what is expected of them, and most people think they know what their leaders expect of them. Both assumptions are flawed. The result is the emergence of an expectations gap between leaders and direct reports.
The hardest expectations to meet and fulfill are the ones you don’t even know about. Forget about products and customers for a minute – I have a five-year-old daughter. She has expectations of me, but many of them I would never know about if I didn’t talk to her about them, asking her questions, even probing a little, because her little heart and mind may not even be able to articulate them. And even then, as hard as I try, there will still be times when she thought something was going to happen and it didn’t. There is nothing quite so heart crushing as the unmet expectation of your five-year-old little girl.
Everyone in your life has expectations of you. And guess what, you have expectations of everyone in your life too. This is all natural and normal. But it is impossible to meet expectations that we don’t even know exist.
And we are just talking about expectations here; we haven’t even ventured into the arena of hopes and dreams. When “The Dream Manager” was first published, I was doing a workshop for a family business in California. The business had participants from three generations of the family. The grandparents had started the business, their children had carried it on, and their grandchildren were now working in it.
They were beautiful people. They were truly salt of the earth, as they say. Three generations of character on display: honest, fair, hard-working, generous, and loving, the kind of people you want to surround yourself with all the time.
During the morning session one of the exercises was to make a list of the individual dreams they had for themselves. There were about 80 family members in the room and after they made their list we went around the room and I asked each person to share just one of their dreams with everyone.
As we went through the exercise switching back-and-forth between generations, it became obvious that they were discovering things about each other they had never known. You could tell that what different family members shared surprised the others. Finally, we made our way to the patriarch and the matriarch of the family. The grandfather was a kind and gentle man, and he deferred to his wife to go first. It was clear that they had both lived rich and full lives, and I don’t think anyone in the room was prepared for what was about to happen.
“When I was a little girl growing up, I never dreamed my life could have been as wonderful as it has been. We have never lived a lavish life, not because we didn’t have plenty of money, but because we decided very early on in our success that simplicity was one of life‘s overlooked riches. So, as I sit here this morning and listen to you all speak about your hopes and dreams, I am so happy for the lives that you have before you, and you know Papa and I will do anything we can to help you fulfill your dreams. For myself, my joy comes from watching you fulfill your dreams, but I do have one dream….
As she uttered these words, the room got very quiet; in fact I’m not even sure I have ever seen a room get so silent so quickly. Some people leaned in and others unconsciously moved toward the edge of their seats. Then she continued, “For my whole life, I have always wanted to go to New York City and see a Broadway show.“
There was a collective gasp from the group. They were thinking so loudly you could hear them. How did we miss this? How is this possible? And of course, the dark realization that in all these years nobody had ever asked her what her dreams were. They looked over toward papa, as they called him, and tears were streaming down his face. His anguished expression said, “I have failed my beloved.“
One week later they had her on a plane to New York, accompanied by three of her children, five of her grandchildren, and her loving and devoted husband. She saw five Broadway shows, ate at some fabulous restaurants, and fulfilled a lifelong dream.
Now,here’s the point. Most people have never had someone ask them what their dreams are. It is one of humanity’s relationship blind spots. Why don’t you change that for somebody special to you today? Maybe start with your spouse? Your kids? Listen hard! Their future (and yours too) depends on it!
Perhaps this is the appropriate time for me to share something that I am just now beginning to learn. Think with me here as I will try to explain. What are your dreams, hopes, & expectations (DsHs&Es)? Be careful now not to merely think of your material wants and needs for frequently the truly miraculous DsHs&Es are spiritual in nature and not merely confined to touch, sight or accomplishment. Very few adults today (as could I) can even tell you three of their DsHs&Es, let alone any details. Perhaps this is made more difficult because we are so influenced by today’s “get real and grow up now” instant gratification culture. It seems the prevailing premise today for virtually everything is NOW; to wait and deny oneself is a pain and totally unnecessary.
So, perhaps one “fix” is as simple as giving ourselves permission to think creatively, (you know, we were given profound intellect and scientists are being more impressed daily) especially when it’s a vision for ourselves, perish that thought! Research proves and the Bible states and implies frequently, we become what we think about. Science again, is verifying that in new dimensions daily! I maintain a component in an active vibrant prayer life is envisioning not only what “should be” but with God’s help what “could be” for ourselves and others by divine intervention.
Consider the potential of our prayers if we first engage our minds in seeking to understand the desires of not only our hearts, but also the heart of God. And then together, for those whom we pray that God would “touch” as only He can …. But shame on us! For, far too often, we’ve not even actively pursued God’s DsHs&Es for ourselves, let alone engaged in any meaningful conversation with our spouse, significant other, family & friends about the DsHs&Es God has planted (or desires to plant) in their minds. And we wonder why our “prayers” don’t seem to go anywhere?
I’m guessing most persons in your sphere of influence are so struggling just to survive in their daily “arena” of living, that for them to even think, there may be someone else who would even care about their DsHs&Es (even if they could identify them when they do“surface,”) and then to meaningfully dialogue with them about pursuing their DsHs&Es, and hopefully in time, to pray with them and for them, as they are pursued.
Books are written on this stuff everyday. I say keep it simple, as Tony Souder does in his book “Pray For Me:The Prayer Champion’s Guide to Essential Prayer for the Next (I say ALL) Generation(s), when he says daily “Father, open my eyes so that I may see you more clearly, savor you more fully, and share you more freely.”
Blessings as YOU GO FORTH, hopefully with Renewed Vision for the Dreams, Hopes, and Expectations of your life and others, today, tomorrow and beyond>>>> Merlin
PS: I compare acquiring and implementing your personal vision for your own DsHs&Es prior to sharing with or instructing others, as similar to the importance of being instructed on an airplane to always first put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else; only in this case, helping involves “becoming an empowered knowledgeable life giving participant also on the journey home,” and not merely the neighbor in the adjoining seat with the necessary skill to capture the momentary sustenance, oxygen. Now, can you see your big picture and the importance of DsHs&Es in the healing of humanity more clearly?
Actually, I imagine there are books are written on this single premise. Perhaps I just saved you some significant time!