Merlin's Mustache

Chapter Fifteen: Build a Cumulative Advantage

Help Someone See What Could Be

As a result of my grandfather, Don Clifton’s, lifelong study of strengths, I was raised in an environment in which my family was looking for early traces of talent at every turn. By the time I was five, they had spotted my deep interest in reading. When I was nine, my grandfather noted some entrepreneurial talent and helped me stat a little business selling snacks. He helped me find space and figure our how to buy snacks in bulk. And he taught me some financial concepts. But the most valuable lessons I learned were about people, interactions, and relationships.

          Throughout my grade school, high school and college years, it became clear to me that my talents and interests were in the areas of business, research, and anything involving technology. When I graduated from college in 1998, Don asked me if I would work with him to bring his research on strengths to a wider audience through technology and this new thing called the internet. I spent the next few years with Don and our team to create an on-line strength-based assessment, dubbed the StrengthsFinder. But in the midst of all that excitement around this new project, Don learned he had stage IV gastroesophageal cancer and most likely only a few months to live.

          Given that I had been battling cancer for a decade at the time, I used my knowledge and dedicated all my time to helping my grandfather extend his life as much as possible. Don and I assembled all the research we could find on the topic as we traveled to different medical centers for treatment. In the midst of this ordeal, I remembered that Don had once told me he thought it was crazy that people wait until someone is gone to say kind things in a eulogy.

          So I stayed up late for several nights and wrote a very long emotional letter to my grandfather, explaining how much he had influenced my life over the years. It was essentially a eulogy written to someone who was still alive. This letter told my personal story about battling cancer as a teenager and went into great depth about what a difference my grandfather’s ideas and approach to life made during this time. I explained how his love, caring, and thinking had essentially built a reserve that helped me make it through all of my health challenges in relatively good shape.

          Because I had almost no confidence in my ability to communicate effectively in writing, I was hesitant to even share this heartfelt letter with Don – but given the circumstances, I decided to give it to him. When he read it, he was deeply moved and grateful. That part did not surprise me, but a brief interaction we had for a few days later caught me off guard.

           Don told me after reading the letter multiple times, he thought I had a real talent for bringing things to life with words. This was something no one had ever suggested, let alone stated explicitly. He asked if I would be willing to share my personal story from the letter in a book. As long as somebody else was doing the writing, I figured that would be okay.

          Then Don asked me if I would help write that book over the next two months. This was the only time he ever acknowledged the reality of his condition in our conversation. So I agreed to give it a shot and do my best, knowing that my grandfather had quite a bit of wisdom that could benefit other people. We worked tirelessly over the next couple of months and were able to finish our first draft of the book, “How Full Is Your Bucket,” just before Don passed away. That book has since helped my grandfather’s work reach millions of people, and we even turned it into a children’s book that is now used in classrooms around the world. 

Develop the Ultimate Strength

          This personal experience showed me how a single interaction and observation can have a lifelong influence. After nearly three decades of exploring my own talent, having great people around me, and taking countless strengths assessments, writing was the last thing I ever planned to do. Then one person said he spotted a talent worthy of investment, and that insight continues to influence how I now spend my time every day. The more I reflect on this experience, the more I realize that the ultimate strength is finding and developing talents in others.

          One of the best ways to help another person grow is through the right types of praise and recognition. Simply telling someone they did a “good job” on a project is nice but not very helpful, especially if your comments lack sincerity. In fact, insincere positive remarks could be even more toxic and detrimental than negative comments.

          In addition to being sincere, words that give people a positive charger should be as specific as possible. A series of six experiments published in 2014 reveals why specificity is essential for motivating other people. Participants in one experiment were asked to “give those who need bone marrow transplants greater hope.” Phrasing the goal that way was less motivating compared with a request for participants to “give those who need bone marrow transplants a better chance of finding a donor.” It was also more effective when researchers asked participants to “increase recycling” rather than “save the environment.

BOTTOM LINE:

          The more specific your language is during even brief interactions, the greater the influence. As you help other people see what they do best, you will help them build a cumulative advantage over time. You could also make a contribution to their future health and well being that you may not be able to see in the moment.  

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

What is the earliest example you can remember of someone spotting a unique talent of your and encouraging you to spend time building on that strength?

When was the last time you noticed someone performing at an exceptional level and you pointed it out to that person?

RECAP: The more you focus on another person’s strengths, the faster they grow.

Who can you recognize in the next day with great specificity, sincerity, and detail?

NEXT UP: Epilogue: Create a Positive Charge

My apologies for my AM/PM typo yesterday. I typed 12:05 PM rather AM; hence the posts were 12 hours later than usual… merlin

Chapter Twelve: Take A Break for Relationships

When Bank of America first set up its call centers, it deliberately designed them for maximum efficiency in handling customer calls. Employees’ breaks were timed so they didn’t coincide with any of their peers’ breaks. The intent was to ensure that the phone lines were always covered. Yet employee turnover was unacceptably high.

          When the bank’s leaders looked into the retention issue, they discovered that a lack of relationships and daily communication was the root of the problem. This lack of cohesion was six times more predictive of performance than any other metric. Because of these findings, the bank’s leaders changed the shift schedules to ensure that groups of employees could have lunch and take breaks at the same time. Three months later, the same group of employees was handling calls 23 percent faster, and group cohesion had gone up 18 percent. These increases translated into $15 million in added revenue for the company.

          Recent experiments suggest the best way to produce sustainable increases in well-being is to appreciate what you already possess and to continue creating new positive experiences with the people who matter most. When you value what you already have, not only will you grow, you won’t feel the angst of wanting more. Any time you create experiences in the context of your existing resources and relationships, it has a compounding effect om your well-being.

Use Your Phone When You’re Alone

          Paying attention requires a little effort, but the rewards are great. Nothing adds more value to life than close social relationships. This why it is important to focus on the people you are with when you are with them! There are countless distractions around you. When I’m stuck in a long line at a grocery store or the BMV, my digital pacifier (phone) is remarkably useful. Having the internet in my pocket converts those boring and frustrating moments into an opportunity to research a recent topic of interest, or to text a friend. However, these distractions create problems when you use them while spending time with friends, colleagues, or loved ones.

          FYI, other studies noted anytime a cell phone was visible, the quality of conversation was less fulfilling and people reported having higher levels of empathetic concern. Often simply seeing a cellphone is bad for my concentration, for others in the room, and the quality of my relationships. Giving your undivided attention to others tells them how much you value their thoughts, opinions, and time. Intently listening to what another person is saying is a great way to forge new relationships and invest in your existing friendships. Unfortunately, most of the time when people are talking to you, you are not truly listening. You may think you are good at faking listening, but chances are, you’re not. People read facial expressions in a matter of milliseconds. So when you’re not paying full attention, other people can tell subconsciously, even if they don’t say anything about it.

BOTTOM LINE:   When you chose to have dedicated time with another person, such as dining, driving somewhere, or going on a walk, give that person your undivided attention. Talking on your phone, using apps, or reading a message tells others you don’t value their time as much as you could. You chose to be with them, so make it count!

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

How can you build more in-person social time into your work?

Which friends and family members improve your health and well-being when you spend time with them?

RECAP: Social networks that we often take for granted profoundly shape our lives.

What is one practical step you could take to pay attention to other people better when you are together?

How will they know they have your full and undivided attention?

NEXT UP:  ASAP, Realize Our Ultimate Strength Is FINDING & DEVELOPING Talent in Others.

Until Aug 15, I am planning to share with you my summaries of ten chapters from Tom Rath’s book, Are You Fully Charged? (AYFC). I began this series on July 30 with the book’s Prologue. Never before have I committed nearly a dozen posts to one author in succession so I am also asking you to join me praying for your receptivity to these remaining posts until Aug 15, and for the future posts being planned beyond to avoid wasting everyone’s valuable spiritual time and energy. If ever nudged to send me a suggestion, be it a complaint or praise, send to merlin.erb@gmail.com or text, call, WhatsApp 330 465-2565. Thank you.

For those of you desiring more “meaningfulness” from Tom, email me & I’ll send you a Word doc. of the ten chapters I’ve summarized thus far, or better yet, go to thriftbooks (earlier they had 8 copies @$6.19 ea.) so order your own copy(s). Who else do you know who could benefit from Tom’s journey to find meaningfulness in their work, & especially, retirement? And I also trust, you’ll encourage others to subscribe to the blog and thereby increase our efficiency.  

Chapter Eleven: Start Small and Be Clear

This chapter continues from the prior on how to communicate a negative message to an employee or volunteer under your supervision whom you’re not personally familiar with, and worse, may not even have the time or opportunity to engage meaningfully prior to needing to deliver the difficult message, a very awkward situation for both of you. Even worse, you do not possess the gift as some, to enter a room of strangers and easily mingle while introducing yourself around, discovering you and whoever they may be, common interests, hobbies, shared acquaintances, etc while solidifying new friendships.

Use Questions to Spark Conversation

          I’ve learned its easier in such situations to ask relevant good questions and then really listen to the answers, for clues to what questions or comments would facilitate greater more interesting conversation. Understand though, merely making a new friend versus needing to relay a difficult message is vastly different. Still, though asking questions is key to beginning conversation, even if the recipient is sullen, angry, withdrawn. Perhaps beginning with how they were first introduced to the company, where they worked prior, perhaps their birth city and where they were raised & educated, # of siblings, birth order implications, what they most enjoyed, appreciated, or even may have disliked about their childhood, etc., Asking questions is even more effective when others may be skeptical of your influence or credibility or even engaged in a debate.

You may be interested to know a team of researchers in the U.K. studying recordings of expert negotiators for many years found that questions are one of the most effective forms of bringing people into agreement. The average negotiators spent less than 10 percent of their total time asking questions whereas the most successful negotiators spent 21 percent.

          People love to talk about themselves. Some studies indicate 40 percent of everyday speech consists of people telling others what they think and feel. Scientists hint that talking about oneself triggers the same reward centers in the brain as food or money. The more open you are about yourself, including revealing embarrassing moments and occasional mistakes, the more likely another person is to trust you. Studies suggest you being humble and embracing self-depreciating moments is an asset, not something to be ashamed of, seemingly building trust. Sharing personally about fears, flaws, and follies often leads to an exchange of entertaining stories, even lasting connections, not to mention time, because you’re never pretending to be something you’re NOT!

Connect for Speed and Creativity

It’s easy to dismiss the need for close relationships at work until you focus on the bigger picture. Sure, you can get more done tomorrow if you put your head down and plow through a bunch of work. But if you fail to cultivate and maintain relationships, it will slow you down over time. Anything of substance in life is created by working with others. I have yet to do anything very useful in isolation. Relationships boost achievement and create efficiency. Friendships speed things up because emotions spread faster than words. When you see a friend at work, even if you don’t say anything, you exchange an emotional state simply based on observing each other’s facial expressions and body language.

BOTTOM LINE:   When you get together with a group of people you really enjoy spending time with, it puts you in a better mood. Experiments show that if you are in a better mood your creativity increases and your thinking becomes more expansive. This helps explain why Gallup’s research has shown that people who have “best friend” caliber relationships at work are seven times as likely to be engaged in their jobs, all being good for your meaningful work, and ultimately, for you to thrive on all fronts.

Discussion Questions:

What small action can you take today to boost the well-being of one of your closest friends?

What is one good question you can ask new acquaintances to learn more about what’s going on in their work or life?

RECAP: Practical goals and good questions create speed and productivity.

How can you invest even more time and energy into one of your most productive relationships?

NEXT UP:      Always Maximize Relationships!

Chapter Ten: Be 80 Percent Positive

         Some of the best research on daily experience is rooted in ratios of positive and negative interactions making remarkable predictions simply by watching people interact with each other, and then scoring the conversations based on the ratio of positive and negative interactions, predicting everything from the likelihood a couple will divorce to the odds of a work team having high customer satisfaction and productivity levels.

          More recent research helps explain why these brief exchanges matter so much. When you experience negative emotions as a result of criticism or rejection, for example, your body produces higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which shuts down much of your thinking and activates conflict and defense mechanisms. You perceive situations as being worse than they actually are when you are in this fight-or-flight mode. The release of cortisol is also a sustained response, so it lasts for a while, especially if you dwell on the negative event.

          However, when you experience a positive interaction, it activates a very different response. Positive exchanges boost your body’s production of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that increases your ability to communicate, collaborate, and trust others. When oxytocin activates networks in your prefrontal cortex, it leads to more expansive thought and action. However, oxytocin metabolizes faster than cortisol, so the effect of a positive surge are less dramatic and enduring than they are for a negative one.

          Therefore, we need at least three to five positive interactions to outweigh every one negative exchange. Whether you’re in a one-to-one conversation, or a group discussion, remember: At least 80 percent of your conversation should be focused on what’s going right! Workplaces often have this backward during performance reviews, when managers routinely spend 80% of their time on weaknesses, gaps, and “areas for improvement, spending only 20 % on strengths, and positive aspects.

          Now, when you need to address difficult issues or deliver bad news, just be sure to mention a sufficient number of positives as well, closing with specific and hopeful actions.

At Least Pay Attention

Some days it seems like we’ve built a society that gives people little guidance on how to perform the most activities of life. Consider the practical living skills the typical HS grad today possesses compared to a grad from 50 years ago, and I maintain because of the breakdown of society beginning in our homes clinched by the media’s influence, as a result, a lot of people today regardless of age are lonely and lack deep friendships. Above almost any other need, human beings long to have another person look into their face with loving respect and acceptance. Wake up people, we are being deliberately manipulated so that we lack practical knowledge and experience about how we are to give other humans that rich attention, with loving respect and acceptance that God both designed and desires us to offer each other.

BOTTOM LINE:

A study conducted by Canadian researchers in 2014 suggests that being ignored at work is even more detrimental to mental and physical well-being than harassment or bullying. While the comparison to bullying in this study is dramatic, the overall finding is consistent with a great deal of research I have studied and conducted. Having a manager who is not paying attention nearly doubles your odds of being disengaged on the job compared with a manager who focuses primarily on your weaknesses. The ideal scenario is when a dose of reality is paired with several servings of encouragement.

Discussion Questions: What have you done, or can you do, to infuse positive energy into an interaction today?

What can you do in the next several hours that will add a positive charge to someone’s day?

RECAP: Our days depend on brief interactions with the people around us.

What friends or colleagues do the best job of adding positive energy to your environment? What could you learn from them to better carry that positive energy forward?

NEXT UP: Start Small But With Great Clarity