Change of Plans! Due to the pre-emptive nature of this recent email from Marlin Miller of the Winesburg OH Plain Values Magazine, I’m posting this recent home run out of the park admonition (and it is 1600 words, an 8 min read!) from Mark Gregston, parenting expert and founder of Parenting Today’s Teens, a nonprofit offering biblical insights and practical wisdom for families across the country. Go to parentingtodaysteens.org for the PTT’s wide array of helpful materials.
Not Every Argument Needs to be Argued!
It’s everywhere! Turn on any news channel and you hear arguing. There are TV programs where the focus of interaction is to do nothing but argue. Newscasters love a good argument because it creates good stories. Teens argue back and forth on social sites. Adults argue their points of view in postings and blogs. Politicians spend their lives arguing for this or against that, and groups of people argue for their rights and their longing to be heard. Teens fight to feel valued, older folks fight to be heard. Will someone please listen to me?
People master the art of arguing in hopes of being heard. That longing is born from a craving to be valued, a yearning to be appreciated, treasured, and cherished. I would suggest the underlying thread is the desire to be truly known.
Arguing flourishes today because people aren’t listening to one another. When the art of listening disappears, people choose to quarrel, disagree, squabble, bicker, fight, wrangle, dispute, and feud. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. Today, technology and electronic gadgets make arguments more readily available, and the capacity for not listening a little easier.
We feel valued when we are in accord with each other. In the same way, we feel less valued when others do not agree with us. The fight to express diverging or opposite views, usually in a heated exchange, is self-focused. If we are intent on persuading others to share our views at all costs, we are self-centered on our one-way street—our way or the highway. When two or more people engage, it’s all me-first thinking, with a goal of meeting personal needs rather than the needs of anyone else in the conversation. You might wonder how that type of conversation lines up with Scripture.
Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. (2 Timothy 2:23-24)
It may take everything you’ve got not to hotly defend biblically-based beliefs you hold dear—especially when you feel attacked. However, here’s where your gentle answer can turn away anger. Your reasoned responses, delivered in ways that honor and respect the other person, allow them to hear a different belief without going on the defensive.
In a culture where arguments are the norm and resolution is rarely achieved, I suggest arguing isn’t the best way to influence. Matter of fact, arguing with teens, many times, just solidifies their position and justifies their viewpoint.
Remember this: Not every argument needs to be argued.
I was with a fellow a few months ago who has been receiving quite a bit of criticism about his views on homosexuality. Adamantly opposed to the homosexual lifestyle, he has been bashed and bruised by some media outlets. Others applauded him for his stance and willingness to speak the truth and be a voice in the wilderness. He told me stories of what people are saying about him, revealed threats that have been thrown his way, and showed me how vicious people’s responses have been to him.
After listening to what had been happening to him because he stood up for what he believes in, I just sat. He then asked what I thought.
I said, “Dude, I think you might need to just keep your mouth shut. You’re only going to get bashed, and you may be worsening the issue, not helping.” He was shocked and replied, “Well, someone’s got to stand in the gap!” I responded, “No, not really. If a gentle answer turns away wrath, then I wonder why your answer is not doing that.”
It’s because his message wasn’t being heard as gentle. It came across as abrasive, in fact. Maybe he wasn’t delivering it in an abrasive way, but today’s culture has not only ceased to listen, but also hears things differently as well. In a world where everyone is looking for a fight, you have to carefully determine when to speak, when to hush, and when to leave it alone. He might have done better to abide by these words:
“Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.” (Matt. 7:6, NKJV)
That’s exactly what was happening to him. He based his beliefs on what is holy. The Bible can be seen as his pearls here. But casting them widely into a culture that largely doesn’t care to hear it didn’t work.
One tool you might use to decide whether to speak is to ask yourself this question first: Does what I am about to say, HEAL? What I mean by this acronym is, does it Help? Does it Encourage? Does it Affirm? Is it Loving? The young man I was speaking to might have the right beliefs, but his comments were not interpreted as helpful, encouraging, affirming, and loving. As such, they did not HEAL.
While well-meaning, they caused more division as seen in the directly opposing comments and backlash he received. I find as I get older, I don’t want to argue anymore. If someone says something contrary to what I believe, I just let them think what they want and leave it alone. That doesn’t mean I don’t defend my beliefs if I am directly asked. It just means I don’t butt in where I’m not invited. It also means I think my beliefs stand on their own. I don’t feel I must defend them. Why? Because I will win more people with my love and genuine care for their hearts than I will if I’m known as a big mouth.
Until there is a place of safety established, relationships where people will listen and allow others to be heard, there’s no use in throwing your pearls before swine. You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run. That’s called wisdom.
Many parents go to sleep at night feeling they did what is right in the eyes of the Lord when they stood up against their kids. They mistakenly believe it’s a good thing when they let their teen children know what is right and what is wrong. They never realize what they are truly doing is alienating their kids, not only from them, but often, from the truths they are trying to communicate. By wielding verbal swords, some parents cut their kids down, prohibiting any positive influence in the future.
Doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord doesn’t mean you have to argue anything contrary to Scripture. Please hear me carefully here. You should honor God in all that you do. I’m not encouraging you to give up your beliefs for the sake of a better relationship with your children. I am encouraging more forward thinking. Think through the impact of what you might argue for or against. Then determine whether the argument will deepen your special relationship.
Your teens know the difference between right and wrong. They know what Scripture has to say about certain issues. I can remind them of what they know through encouragement in a much better way than I can through criticism, accusation, or argument. It’s not my role to fight with them. It’s my role to be a sounding board for them.
They talk; I listen. I ask if they want input. If they say no, I honor that and stand by them as they figure it out the right way or the hard way. When they make good choices, I rejoice with them. When they make wrong turns, I hurt with them and for them. I don’t control their choices or beliefs. I couldn’t even if I argued ’til I’m blue in the face. I have to learn to button it—not agree with it— but just hold my opinions until I’m invited to share.
Teens live in a world where differing views are prevalent. How they see issues and how we parents see them, may be as different as night and day. I must keep trying to view it from their perspective if I’m going to have any impact.
Saddleback Church Pastor Rick Warren, the author of the best-selling The Purpose-Driven Life, once stated, “Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do.”
Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate. But make sure your discussions are filled with compassion as you avoid arguments and create an atmosphere of communication that allows for differences of opinion. Those are tough places for your kids to find. Jesus said, “Come to me and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Be like Jesus to your kids. Offer them a place of safety and rest, not argument and rejection. If you do, when life gets too tough to handle, they’ll run to you.
NEXT UP: Nothing more important than further contemplating and applying the above; least ways, I need to….
