Category: Book Reviews

“The happiest people on the planet are the men and women who have dynamic relationships. They give focus and priority to their relationships, and as a result have a richer experience of relationship and of life. 

John Wooden, the college basketball coach of note, once said in an interview with Sports Illustrated : “Why is it so hard hard for so many to realize that winners are usually the ones who work harder, work longer, and , as a result, perform better?” It is in true in sports, it is true in business, and yes, it is true in relationships. 

There are winners and losers in relationships. I am not talking about the games that have become a seemingly intrinsic part of the modern dating scene. In a relationship, one person doesn’t win while the other loses. It is absurd even to speak in such terms. Either both win, or both loose. That’s why so much is at stake. That’s why we feel so powerless and helpless at times in relationships. That’s why it is so important to choose the right people to spend our limited time and energy in relationships with. When I speak of winners and losers in relationships, I speak of the reality that some couples win and other couples loose. 

The state of our relationships has an impact on every aspect of our lives. You don’t leave a struggling relationship at home when you go work or school, and you don’t check a tumultuous relationship at the door of your other relationships. If you have a relationship that is struggling, there’s a good chance it is affecting many areas of your life. The troubled relationship may be with a spouse or significant other, or you may have a relationship with a colleague, friend, child, parent, or sibling that has fallen on rough times. Relationships affect us deeply, and a failing or struggling relationship can have a negative impact on the way we perform at work, the hope we hold for the future, the way we feel about ourselves, what we eat or don’t eat, the way we spend our time, and every other aspect of our daily life. On the other hand, when we are thriving in our relationships, especially our primary relationships, we tend to carry a very positive atmosphere wherever we go.

A dynamic primary relationship doesn’t just change the social aspect of our lives, it changes our whole lives by changing the way we see ourselves and the world. 

This book is about giving you the tools necessary to create a dynamic primary relationship. The Seven Levels of Intimacy provide a simple model – the strength of any good model is simplicity – but the the process is not easy. Sometimes the biggest mistake we make is believing, at the outset, that the journey ahead is going to be easy. Such a traveler almost always comes unprepared and under-supplied. 

You may be well into your journey and have discovered that you need to stop to get resupplied; you may be just beginning your journey; or you may be trying to decide whether you want to set out at all. Whatever the case may be, I am delighted that our paths have crossed and I hope the ideas that fill the pages of this book will prove useful to you in your quest for intimacy.

It takes a lifetime to build great relationships and to learn how to sustain them. Along the way, there will be great moments of triumph and ecstasy and other moments of trial and heartache. This book is no quick fix and it doesn’t contain all the answers. It is simply a tool to help you reconnect with your deep desire to be involved in great relationships.

Connecting with people in a powerful way is a skill that must be developed, nurtured, and practiced. Our primary relationship is the inner sanctum of our emotional lives. It is our first source of emotional support and our primary opportunity to develop and experience a deep level of intimacy. For most of us, our primary relationship will be the one chance we have in this lifetime to truly know a person, and in turn, to be deeply known by another human being.  

Too often we spend our days surrounded by trivia and superficial, constantly overloaded with information and quite literally, to deeply know a person becomes more and more of a miracle. Most of what we do every day we do simply to survive. Relationships are what drive us to survive!” 

I trust the above as taken from Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” will stimulate and encourage you to read further as you strive to better transition in your relationships from merely surviving to expansively thriving. Perhaps the last sentence in the paragraph above would be enhanced if it were to read “Positive intimate relationships are what drive us to survive.” If so, perhaps we may consider the inverse. Negative intimate relationships when taken to the extreme, may cause people to withdraw from society, possibly to resurface later in tragic random shootings such as occurred to Dean Beachy and his son Steven January 24th in State College PA.

I simply ask, Am I my brother’s keeper? Am I an example and encouraging others to be? Am I keeping short accounts? God is love. Seriously now, how do we love without being in relationship?  Is love driving my relationships?

Blessings as YOU GO FORTH>>>>          Merlin

“A tree with strong roots can weather any storm. If you have not done so already, the day to start growing those roots is today. Gratitude, respect, and discipline are three powerful ways to ground and nurture your relationships. But keep in mind also, that trees sway in the wind. They are not rigid. Even the largest and strongest trees sway when the wind blows. Allow for uncertainty; you can be sure it will come. Find the lesson in the unexpected; it has come to help you in your quest to become-the-best-version-of-yourself. Try to enjoy mystery; it will keep you young.  

The present culture despises uncertainty, and so we waste endless amounts of time and energy trying to create the illusion of security and attempting to control the uncontrollable. We curse the unexpected because it interferes with our plans, even though it often carries with it the challenge we need at that moment to change and grow into a-better-version-of-ourselves. In the same way, our culture has no time for mystery. If we cannot solve or prove it, then we ignore it or discredit it.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, it is a mystery to be lived,” wrote Kierkegaard. Your spouse is not a problem to be solved, your children are not problems to be solved, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your partner or fiance is not a problem to be solved. They are mysteries to be accepted, encouraged, experienced, and enjoyed. 

Relationships are not to be understood and fixed and solved; they too, are mysteries to be enjoyed. 

The best participants in the mystery we call relationship seem to be people who don’t need to understand everything, the ones who aren’t out to prove anything, those humble enough to accept when they are wrong and hold their tongues when they are right, the people who don’t have an agenda, who aren’t in a hurry, and who don’t need the credit when things go right and don’t pass the blame when things go wrong.

Those are the rare souls who seem to be able to hold their arms wide open and embrace fully the mystery of loving and the joy of being loved.” 

So roots, storms, uncertainties, and mysteries are to be enjoyed? Really now? The above was taken from page 67 in Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved.” With God’s empowerment, may we each someday be one those able to hold our arms wide open and embrace fully the mystery of loving and the joy of being loved. Sweet indeed!!

David Anderson lived in Boston with his wife, Sarah, and their three children, Rachel, Shannon and Jonah. He was a very successful businessman, and one of the rewards of his success was their their summer home on Martha’s Vineyard. Sarah and the kids spent the whole summer there, while David usually spent part of each weekend and always came for the first two weeks of July.

One summer a few years ago, he was driving out to the beach at the beginning of July when he made a promise to himself. For two weeks, he was going to be a loving and attentive husband and father. He would make himself totally available. He would turn off his cellphone, resist the temptation to be constantly checking his email, and make himself completely available to his family and a genuine experience of vacation.

You see David worked too much. He knew it. Everyone around him knew it. When you love your work, that’s one of the dangers. When you rely on your work too much for your identity, that’s one of the pitfalls. From time to time, David felt guilty about how much he worked, but he managed to brush the guilt aside by making the excuse that it was necessary. Sometimes he overcame his feeling of guilt by calling to mind the many privileges and opportunities that his wife and children were able to enjoy because he worked so hard.

Did the rationalizations succeed? Only temporarily. But this vacation was going to be different. David was going to be attentive and available. 

The idea had come  to him in his car, as he listened to a CD that a friend had given him. People were always giving him books to read and tapes to listen to, and the gifts always made him cringe, because he knew the giver would ask him his opinion the next time their paths crossed. But for some reason, he had popped this CD in as he drove out of his garage this day. 

The speaker was discussing dynamic relationships; feeling a bit uncomfortable, David was about to turn it off when something that man said struck him: “Love is a choice. Love is an act of the will,” he said. “You can choose to love.”

At that moment, David admitted to himself that as a husband he had been selfish, and that the love between him and Sarah had been dulled by his selfishness, by his insensitivity, by his unavailability. This self-centeredness manifested itself mostly in small ways. He insisted they watch whatever he wanted to watch on television. He made Sarah feel small for always being late. He constantly put his work before the needs of his family. He would take newspapers to work knowing that Sarah wanted to read them, and that he would be unlikely to have time to do so during his busy day. He was constantly saying “Some other time” to his children, “Not now” to his wife. But for two weeks all that was going to change. And so it did. 

From the moment David walked through the door, kissed his wife, and said, “You look really good in that new sweater. That’s a great color for you,” Sarah was taken back, surprised, even a little perplexed. Her first reaction was to wonder if he was having a dig at her for buying more clothes, but when he smiled and asked her, “What have I missed?” the genuine compliment settled in and felt wonderful. 

After battling the traffic to get to the vacation house, David just wanted to sit down and relax, but Sarah suggested a walk on the beach. David began to refuse, but then thought better of it: “Sarah has been out here all week alone with the children, and now she just wants to be alone.” So they walked the beach hand in hand, while the children flew their kites. 

The next morning, Sarah almost fell out of bed when he brought her breakfast in bed. Admittedly, David had woken their daughter Rachel to help him pull that one off, but it was extraordinary nonetheless. Over breakfast he told her about a dream he had that night, and then he asked, “What would you like to do today?”

Sarah couldn’t remember the last time he had asked her that. 

“Don’t you have work to do?” she countered.

“No,” he said. “We can do anything you want.”

Over and over throughout the day David said to himself, “Love is a choice. Love is a choice. Love is a choice.”

And so it went. For two weeks, they relaxed, they were happy. It was a dream vacation. Two weeks without the constant harassment of cell phones and e-mail; they visited the maritime museum, even though David hates museums; he allowed the kids to eat ice cream whenever they wanted; he even managed to hold his tongue when Sarah’s getting ready made them late for his best friend’s birthday dinner.

“Did Dad win something?” their daughter Shannon asked her mother one day. Sarah laughed, but she had been wondering herself what had overcome her husband.

After lunch on the last day, David excused himself and walked the beach alone. He thought of the promise he had made to himself driving out two weeks earlier, and now made a new promise to keep choosing love when they got home.

That night as he and Sarah were preparing for bed, Sarah suddenly stopped and looked at David with the saddest expression he’d ever seen come across her face. David panicked. “What’s the matter/”

“Do you know something I don’t know?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

  Sarah said, “The check-up I had a few weeks ago … Did Dr. Lewis tell you something about me? Dave, you’ve been so good to me. Am I dying?” 

David’s eyes filled with tears. Wrapping her in his arms and holding her tight, he said, “No honey. You’re not dying. I”m just starting to live!”

I hope you were positively challenged as I was when reading the above story that opens Matthew Kelley’s phenomenal book titled “The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and The Joy Of Being Loved.” This story  reminds me of a statement by Vaclav Havel, the Czech dramatist and human rights activist who later became his country’s president, who wrote, “I believe that nothing disappears forever, and less so deeds, which is why I believe that it makes sense to try to do something in life, something more than that which will bring one obvious returns.”

Relationships, whether founded on truth or not, when experiencing restoration and actually begin thriving, reflects my passion and are gifts of endless returns to all of us in the ripples. This book will guide you to invest your relational energy well!  Blessings …Merlin

Please click the link below to read the first chapter or to purchase.

https://dynamiccatholic.com/the-seven-levels-intimacy-paperback

The following story is taken verbatim from Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving And The Joy Of Being Loved“, a book best introduced and discussed in every home around the supper table before the kids leave home … with their own copy, of course!

Peter was just an ordinary guy. He liked to watch football, drink beer, and hang out with his friends. From time to time, when he was alone, he would get a little introspective and start to think about where his life was going. It was then he thought about relationships; more specifically he would wonder whether he would ever have a truly great relationship. He always concluded that he hoped one day he would. 

One thing Peter loved to do was people-watch, and if you like people-watching there is perhaps no better place than an airport. 

A few years ago, he was standing at the airport in San Francisco waiting for a friend when he had one of those life-changing experiences you sometimes hear people talk about …. the kind that sneaks up on you when you least expect it. 

Straining to locate a friend among the deplaning passengers, Peter noticed a man walking toward him carrying two small bags. The man stopped right next to Peter to greet his waiting family.

First he motioned to his younger son, who was perhaps five or six years old. Putting down his bags, he took the boy in his arms and gave him a long loving hug, and as they drew apart long enough to look at each other, Peter overheard the father say, “It’s so good to see you, son. I’ve missed you so much.”

The boy smiled shyly, averted his eyes and replied, “Me too, Dad.”

Standing up, the man gazed into his elder son’s eyes (the boy was maybe nine or ten years old) and, cupping the boy’s chin with his hand, he said, “You’re already such a fine young man, Nathan, I love you very much.” With that he took the boy in his arms and gave him a long tender hug. 

While all this was happening a baby girl was eyeing her father and squirming excitedly in her mother’s arms, never once taking her eyes off the wonderful sight of her returning father. The man turned to the child now and said, “Hi baby girl!” as he gently took her from her mother’s arms, kissed her face all over, and pulled her to his chest, rocking her from side to side. The little girl instantly laid her head on his shoulder, motionless in pure contentment. 

After several long moments he handed his daughter to his elder son, declared , “I’ve saved the best for last,” and proceeded to kiss and embrace his wife. After a long moment, they drew back to look at each other. He stared into her eyes for several seconds and then silently mouthed, “I love you so much.”

 As they stood staring into each other’s eyes, holding hands with both hands and covered in smiles, they reminded Peter of newlyweds, though he knew from the ages of their children that couldn’t possibly be.

All of a sudden, Peter became awkwardly aware of how engrossed he had become in this wonderful display of unconditional love, no more than an arm’s length from him. In that moment he began to feel uncomfortable, as if he had intruded on something sacred. But he was amazed to hear his own voice asking, “How long have you been married?”

“Been together fourteen years, married for twelve,” the stranger replied without breaking his gaze from his lovely wife’s face.

“How long you been away?” Peter asked. 

The stranger turned to him now, smiled, and said, “Two whole days.

“Peter was stunned. He had guessed, from the intensity of their greeting, that the man had been gone for weeks, if not months. Two whole days, he thought to himself, and smiled. Now embarrassed, hoping to end his intrusion with some semblance of grace, Peter offhandedly said, “I hope my marriage is that passionate after twelve years!”

Suddenly the man stopped smiling. He looked straight into Peter’s eyes with a forcefulness that burned straight through to his soul, and he said something that left Peter a different man:

Don’t just hope, friend, decide!”

And with that, the stranger picked up his bags and he and his family strolled off.

Peter was still watching them disappear into the distance when his friend came up to him and said, “Whatcha looking at?”

Peter smiled and, without hesitating, replied, “My future.”

Great relationships don’t just come to those who hope for them. Hope is worthless unless coupled with real effort. Great relationships belong to those who decide to put in the effort and make them a priority. Don’t just hope … decide!  

Please click below to read the first chapter!

https://dynamiccatholic.com/the-seven-levels-of-intimacy-paperback