(this question currently is our culture’s proverbial communication ice-breaker, and perhaps the grandaddy or grandchild of our “mennonite game” cultural subset?)
Usually, on airplanes, I do not answer this question, as I know what is going to come. The person often wants to tell me about some problem, and I’m in for a four-hour session when I was hoping to binge on a Netflix series. But for some reason, that day, I let it slip.
“I am a psychologist,” I said.
“Oh, my gosh,” she said. “I have to tell you about my boyfriend.”
(Here we go …) I sighed.
“So, what’s the issue?” I asked.
“I just broke up with him again… and I am heartbroken. I can’t believe we are in this situation again, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.” She began to cry, “We break up because I can’t live with it, and then I miss him so much. He comes back to me because I love him, and it is good for a minute, and then it all happens again, and I can’t take it and I break up. But then I miss him again and we get back together again. And now it has happened again,” she explained.
“What happens again that is so painful you can’t live with?” I queried.
“His anger,” she said. “He just gets so angry, and it is so hurtful, and I also get kind of scared.”
“What is he so angry about?” I asked.
“Whenever I don’t do what he wants, he gets angry. He tries to control me and if I don’t want to, he rages.” She went on. He won’t listen to what hurts me.”
“So, what do you do then?” I wondered aloud. “What makes it better?”
“Well, I know how to calm him down. I just do whatever he wants, and then he is fine. We have peace … but I can’t always do that.” I sometime just can’t, but then he gets enraged, and then I do whatever he wants, and things are good again. But I just can’t live like that.” She cried. “I can calm him down by agreeing with him, but I can’t always just give in. I feel like I am not a person and am losing myself. So, we break up and then I go back.”
“Well,” I said. “There is an old saying: ‘If you rescue an angry man, you will only have to do it again.’ Keep going back and rescuing him from his anger by complying, and you will calm him down, but it will only repeat itself.”
“Wait … what was that saying again?” she asked.
“If you rescue an angry man, you will only have to do it again. ,” I repeated.
“That is amazing!” she exclaimed. “Where did you get that?”
“The Bible,” I said.
“Wait …” she said. “That’s in the Bible?”
“Yep. Proverbs 19:19. Go check it out,” I told her. “You should read it sometime. There is good stuff in there.”
“I never knew that was in the Bible!” she said.
“Yeah, I know. I didn’t either, until I started to really read it.”
We talked some more, and I told her a little about my story. But what stood out for me throughout my journey was that there a zillion ways psychology validates the scriptures. For example, the terms “rescuer” or “enabler” became popular in addiction science in the last century, but the Bible had said for centuries that rescuing someone with a character problem would never work. (Try just being nicer to a malignant narcissist, and see where it gets you. There are many verses advising against that.) The Bible usually prescribes limits and boundaries, which sometimes will help and protect you from them. Addictionologists began to discover codependency in the middle of the last century, which that the addict is not the only one who has a problem – the one who was enabling them by letting them off the hook and not confronting it with boundaries was part of the overall problem as well. Awesome discovery by science, right?
Not exactly. Awesome validation of what Moses had said when he was giving us God’s ways so we might always thrive, as I discussed earlier. He said that when we fail to set limits and confront someone because they are either weak/needy or powerful (the two reasons we usually don’t set limits on bad behavior … either we over-identify with their weakness or neediness and do not require them to do what is needed for them to get well, or we are afraid to confront them, as in my seatmate’s case, because of their “power”), just as the addictionologists and nowadays the “how to deal with narcissists” gurus will tell you correctly, we keep the problem going. They are usually not going to change by your giving in to them. That is what she was doing with her boyfriend. Only limits might help (see Leviticus 19;15,17). (Sometimes, though someone may need help with those limits, as in some cases, the angry one is also dangerous. Seek help if that is you, and do not put yourself in a dangerous scenario with an abusive person.)
Anyway, I found out she was like me and a lot of others. Oftentimes, we just do not know what the Bible says about these issues. I had been in the church at this point for several years, yet I’d never been taught about “boundaries” in the church. I learned that from the science of psychology. And then, when I went back to the Bible, there it was all along, in a million passages. I was amazed at how many Christians had never known that the Bible taught that you should set limits with people, and not only just “love” them or be “forgiving.” While forgiveness and love are true, many had only seen only those sides of the Bible’s teachings, not the limits that the Bible also supports.
That is just one little example of a tip from a much bigger metapsychology that the Scriptures actually teach. And that is what got me interested and began to further validate my faith, another pillar of “why I believe.”
merlin now:
This is indeed “heavy” stuff for all of us; but thankfully, we’re in the company of Henry Cloud to guide out present thinking and future healing from the tragic mishandling we’ve either “endured” from others, or “afflicted” on others, because that dominant dysfunctional behavior model was the “bait” we, the next generation, instinctively took, or were simply “infected” by, such as being in proximity to the contagion, whether TB, pink eye, or a flu bug. This is a 28-page chapter and we’ll wind it down in the next four sessions as you’ve been given more than sufficient reason to purchase the book.
An interesting side note here is while Loretta and I were at a HS graduation party this afternoon (July 3) I observed this unknown older couple for an hour engaged in conversations with others at a distance, and before leaving, of course I had to introduce myself and then discovered he was our Wayne Co Sheriff Travis Hutchinson. Retiring now at the end of the year, I came away with a confirmatory appreciation for his integrity, love and devotion for his deputies and we, the citizens. He explained during his tenure how the unusual chaplaincy program was begun for the deputies, and the positive influence it has provided their functioning.
Currently, Wayne Co has a state-of-the-art jail addition underway that will add more than thirty beds to “keep” persons with various mental conditions/afflictions, likely to prevent situations from arising that may have previously culminated in crimes requiring incarceration, such as were for the inmates of jails formerly. This reminds me of the June 28 post explaining our tendency to focus on the behavioral FRUIT (polar opposite to His Nine Fruits of the Spirit!) of our problems, whereas Christ addressed focusing on the Root cause of our problems. Interesting dynamics and implications.
This conversation fueled for me the pertinacity of Henry Clouds books from the Biblical supported psychology to real life situations today. And the value of Jamie Winship’s concepts in “Living Fearless: Exchanging the Lies Of The World For The Liberating Truth of God.” Winship, whose identity in Christ is a “militant peacemaker,” who incidentally I understand, is speaking Saturday evening Sunday morning August 10-11 at The Well between Winesburg and Mt. Eaton. More information will be coming on that soon.
Again, thanks readers for your tenacity for His truth and wisdom as we’re empowered and guided by His Spirit today.
BOTTOM LINE from Cloud:
Most mental health problems that are not biologically rooted come from a handful of human issues that manifest themselves in various clinical, relational, and performance symptoms. (Said another way, many of the same symptoms can come from the same underlying issue.) And these human issues are basically what the Bible is about. It names them over and over, and beyond that, gives the processes that cure them. I have never seen an evidence-based treatment, one that has been proven to work, in which the underlying process involved is not an issue the Bible covers. That is what blew my mind, and it still does.
NEXT UP:
Cloud identifies the four principal issues that psychology explores. My intent is to summarize each issue in a post. First up will be the issue of attachment, bonding, and connection versus human emotional isolation, disruptive connection, or lack of connection. Stay tune. I’m finding the four issue summaries are easier to understand that the four stated issues themselves because they do define the issue landscape.