This is the second of a three Part Post. If you missed Monday’s, I suggest you read that first.
It was Sunday afternoon, the third day of a total, water only fast. Waves of pains made my stomach growl loudly. I was miserable and desperate for God to show up so I could eat. In the back of my mind lurked the possibility that God would stay silent, as he usually seemed to do when I fasted, and I would soon be giving up this irrational endeavor in exchange for the pizza I was craving.
I smeared a dab of wax on my brand-new car, hoping to distract myself from the unrelenting hunger. It was a beautiful machine and it seemed like such a wise purchase the day I signed my name on the bank loan contract. Today, I resented the car for the freedom it was costing me! I sat on the dusty cement floor of the barn where the car was parked and furiously rubbed away the dried-wax residue to reveal a flawless shiny paint that was so beautiful, silky smooth, and brand new. I hated that I liked it so much!
I sat back to admire my work and ponder the dilemma of my life. “God, what am I supposed to do?” I complained.
For years following my mission trip to the Philippines, the idea of going to Africa as a missionary had shadowed my life. Today the reality of that dream seemed a million miles out of reach.
Ever been here? Up this creek without a paddle?
“God, I know you require faith and faith requires some kind of action, but what do You want from me? Do You want me to just pack up my family, go stand in a line at the airport, and wait for the tickets to somehow magically show up? I know you can make that kind of thing happen, and I’m willing to give it a try if You want. I just want what You want. I’m willing to do anything you require anything You require. Anything!”
I had nothing more to offer God: no ideas, no strategies, and no expectations. I just wanted to surrender to whatever He wanted for my life.
“I meant this from the bottom of my heart. No strings attached!” I said in a moment a full surrender that brought tears to my eyes.
As the words rushed out of my mouth, I felt as if I were standing on the edge of an extremely high cliff, and what I had said to God had somehow initiated a leap off the edge of that cliff into the unknown. It was a gut-wrenching, all-or-nothing surrender to an invisible and unpredictable God. I was in free-fall away from my desires, my opinions, and all the things I understood and assumed to be right about God- completely.
By now, tears were running down my cheeks and my heart It was aching as I realized at that moment, nothing in life mattered anymore. Nothing! I gave up! My life was no longer my own, and I was falling into a bottomless void. There was no turning back. My only hope was that God would eventually catch me. I can’t explain how this all works except it seemed in that moment that there came a synchronization of hearts, when my “want to” finally lined up with God’s “want to.” He wanted to prove to me that I could indeed trust Him.
It took only a heartbeat of time to cross the point of no return, a point of total surrender to the sovereignty of God’s love, power, and authority, over my life. In that heartbeat, something incredibly happened. It was frightening, and exhilarating at the same time, like the moment of conception when something that is not comes to life. It is the moment in the famous Michelangelo painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, where God’s outstretched finger touches man’s outstretched finger. It is in that moment faith becomes sight.
Something had just happened! I didn’t understand, but as I plunged from everything I valued and based my life on in on into the uncertainty of God’s will for my life, I found the peace and the joy I had been searching for. I leaned back against an old hand-hewn barn pole closed my tear-filled eyes, and for the next few minutes, simply basked in the amazing miracle of God’s presence.
“Wendell,” I heard someone call my name, jarring me from out of my reverie. I thought it might be where Wes Smith who lived next door to the old barn.
“Yeah,” I called out without opening my eyes, annoyed at the disruption.
To Be Concluded Tomorrow.