Chapter Ten: Be 80 Percent Positive
Some of the best research on daily experience is rooted in ratios of positive and negative interactions making remarkable predictions simply by watching people interact with each other, and then scoring the conversations based on the ratio of positive and negative interactions, predicting everything from the likelihood a couple will divorce to the odds of a work team having high customer satisfaction and productivity levels.
More recent research helps explain why these brief exchanges matter so much. When you experience negative emotions as a result of criticism or rejection, for example, your body produces higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which shuts down much of your thinking and activates conflict and defense mechanisms. You perceive situations as being worse than they actually are when you are in this fight-or-flight mode. The release of cortisol is also a sustained response, so it lasts for a while, especially if you dwell on the negative event.
However, when you experience a positive interaction, it activates a very different response. Positive exchanges boost your body’s production of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that increases your ability to communicate, collaborate, and trust others. When oxytocin activates networks in your prefrontal cortex, it leads to more expansive thought and action. However, oxytocin metabolizes faster than cortisol, so the effect of a positive surge are less dramatic and enduring than they are for a negative one.
Therefore, we need at least three to five positive interactions to outweigh every one negative exchange. Whether you’re in a one-to-one conversation, or a group discussion, remember: At least 80 percent of your conversation should be focused on what’s going right! Workplaces often have this backward during performance reviews, when managers routinely spend 80% of their time on weaknesses, gaps, and “areas for improvement, spending only 20 % on strengths, and positive aspects.
Now, when you need to address difficult issues or deliver bad news, just be sure to mention a sufficient number of positives as well, closing with specific and hopeful actions.
At Least Pay Attention
Some days it seems like we’ve built a society that gives people little guidance on how to perform the most activities of life. Consider the practical living skills the typical HS grad today possesses compared to a grad from 50 years ago, and I maintain because of the breakdown of society beginning in our homes clinched by the media’s influence, as a result, a lot of people today regardless of age are lonely and lack deep friendships. Above almost any other need, human beings long to have another person look into their face with loving respect and acceptance. Wake up people, we are being deliberately manipulated so that we lack practical knowledge and experience about how we are to give other humans that rich attention, with loving respect and acceptance that God both designed and desires us to offer each other.
BOTTOM LINE:
A study conducted by Canadian researchers in 2014 suggests that being ignored at work is even more detrimental to mental and physical well-being than harassment or bullying. While the comparison to bullying in this study is dramatic, the overall finding is consistent with a great deal of research I have studied and conducted. Having a manager who is not paying attention nearly doubles your odds of being disengaged on the job compared with a manager who focuses primarily on your weaknesses. The ideal scenario is when a dose of reality is paired with several servings of encouragement.
Discussion Questions: What have you done, or can you do, to infuse positive energy into an interaction today?
What can you do in the next several hours that will add a positive charge to someone’s day?
RECAP: Our days depend on brief interactions with the people around us.
What friends or colleagues do the best job of adding positive energy to your environment? What could you learn from them to better carry that positive energy forward?
NEXT UP: Start Small But With Great Clarity