The fact that we were designed to be perfect people in a perfect world and then literally lost it all… Because of sin, this does of course, result in our being ill-equipped to deal with the existence of pain, loss, trauma, failure, grief, and other experiences. We know (or think we know) what life ought to be like, and yet, we find it otherwise, in that we are not quite “harnessed up right” to metabolize that coexistence, and thrive. But do not despair, we do have a Savior Who “stands in” ready at this very moment to forgive, empower, restore …
Much of psychology centers around this problem of pain, as we have called it earlier, but more by focusing on its pure existence in our lives and how to metabolize it and deal with it well. Said simply, the pain is not to be there. So, our systems do not know how to deal with it, how to process all of the pain, failure, woundedness, and disappointment that we feel. Much of psychology focuses on how to deal with the pain and help people develop the needed abilities and skills. We do not come into the world able to handle it, and besides that, our abilities to handle it are often broken themselves, through trauma or other destructive events we encounter. So, here we are, in pain and our equipment is failing to process, if we ever were even given it; and to boot, we’re floundering in the deep end of the pool, disconnected from the relationships that could help us build the needed skills to cope, build and thrive as stated prior.
In addition, developmental psychology shows us that early on we have difficulty putting good and bad together. We split them, loving someone when they make us happy, and hating them when they frustrate us. Have you ever known someone who thought you were wonderful until you disappointed them in some way, and then you became in their eyes, the worst person ever? That can happen in a second with some personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder or narcissism. You instantly go from “all good” to “all bad” in their eyes, over even the smallest infraction. Imagine the relational disturbances from such blow-ups. Most people do not walk to the altar at their wedding feeling like they do when they divorce; after the “all good” turned “all bad.”
But far beyond these severe forms of splitting, as psychology shows, we all struggle with metabolizing simply living in an imperfect world. Clinical issues such as depression, anxiety states, addictions, and eating disorders can all be related to not being able to live with the imperfections of ourselves and others, and the wounds and subsequent losses inflicted upon us.
In fact, one of the most popular therapies of our day, cognitive behavioral therapy, is almost totally dedicated to changing the thinking patterns of how people appraise the “negative” in life, trying to help them think about failure or imperfection of negative events in a more regulated, balanced, and integrated way. If you have ever been told “you need to process your grief, face your pain, anger, and loss,” you have received advice related to those early findings. And that is exactly what the Bible says over and over. I was surprised to find all of these effective methods of treatment in the Bible.
Again, therapies related to grief, trauma, overcoming failure, perfectionism, etc., are all oriented to dealing with this same issue: helping the ill-equipped (often decimated) human organism (God’s child) to either fix what’s broken and /or acquire what’s missing, simply to process the problem of pain and all the “bad stuff” that gets in our way when trying to thrive.
BOTTOM LINE:
And, the Bible affirms all this. It speaks frequently about the resolution of grief and mourning, self-critical voices we carry inside (related to Freud’s “superego” at times), criticism and judgement of others and ourselves, the need for forgiveness and reconciliation of broken relationships, and all the tools needed. Many, many clear directives given in the Bible teach the very same interventions that psychology does for how these emotional, cognitive, and relational dynamics are resolved.
One of my favorite moments in scripture is when Solomon says in Ecclesiastes that it is better to process pain than to seek pleasure to avoid it, because as he said, a sad face can make a heart happy (see Ecclesiastes 7:3). Cry it out, and you will be better. Imagine that … thousands of years before Freud showed that getting in touch with pain instead of avoiding it can resolve “complicated bereavement,” hysteria, and other maladies, the Bible had already said it. Turns out the Bible was there before science, but once again, science proved it to be true. Ask the lady on the plane.
NEXT UP:
Both the Bible and psychology affirm that a child appears on their stage of life in a psychologically one-down position, compared to the “big people.” So, the fourth issue we’ll tackle is the leveling of power that evolves from childhood to adulthood.
FOR FURTHER REFLECTION:
“The founders of every major religion said ‘I’ll show you how to find God,’ whereas Jesus said, ‘I am God who has come to find you.’” Tim Keller