It was a horrible day, one that directed and limited my life for many years after, and was the source of a lot of pain.
I was in the 7th or 8th grade, and it was the day for oral book reports. I usually like that day, as I enjoyed hearing everyone and also sharing in front of the group myself. I liked public speaking. So, nothing new.
But for some reason, this time, about a third of the way into it, I got flustered. I began stammering and stuttering, and it only got worse. I could not recover for some reason, and found it hard to go on. I just got further and further kind of unable to get the words out. Kinda paralyzed in front of the room.
Then the teacher stood up and said, “Just sit down. This is terrible,” or something pretty close to that. She then went on to kind of berate me with things like “You will never be able to be a success in anything if you can’t do public speaking. And you can just forget ever being a lawyer [one of my possible career dreams at that time], because lawyers have to talk in front of people.”
Needless to say, I was devastated. Ashamed and rejected, I just slithered to my seat and tried to disappear.
From there, it went downhill as far as public speaking was concerned. I had no trouble with a few friends, like at a table or a few friends.. But any time the group got to be any size at all, I just literally could not speak. Not “wouldn’t,” but “couldn’t.” So, I didn’t.
I went all through high school and college avoiding any kind of public speaking at all. I would always refuse it. Even asking questions in class became a real difficult thing to do and to hide my problem, I rarely even did that. In high school, my parents sent me to a counselor to cure the problem, but it did not help. And to make sure you understand, it was not just a fear. It was “I literally can’t do it.” Period. I couldn’t talk. In fact, it was so bad that I almost flunked 12th grade English, because there was an oral book report requirement and I was ready to tell the teacher “Well, flunk me.” And I had been recruited to play college golf … ready to lose it all because my inability to go through with it. In graduate school, I pretty much continued to avoid any public speaking, other than in class for a question or a small discussion.
So, roll the clock forward to my mid to later twenties, I had been in practice for a few years and was building a lot of models of psychological and leadership growth and working with companies and organizations. As a result of all that activity, I was continually being asked to speak for the organizations, businesses, churches, and the like. And … I always refused. One hundred percent.
When asked, I would just say, “No, that’s just not something I do.” And let it go. No way was I ever going to stand up in front of a group again. I went about my private clinical and consulting practice, and that was enough for me. Small meetings around a table were okay, but nothing larger.
Then one day, I was at the gym and headed to the showers when this big guy walked up to me. He was huge. (Actually, he had played NFL football for the LA Rams.) I was wondering what he wanted when he looked at me and asked, “Are you a Christian?”
That seemed weird …a big guy in the gym showers walking up to me asking if I am a Christian.
“Uh … yeah.” I answered.
“Well, God just told me to tell you something,“ he said.
My first thought was “Well, I am also a psychologist, and I can make those voices go away.” But I didn’t say that.” I just replied, “What?”
“Yes, that’s right. Don’t worry, I am not a weirdo. I am a pastor. And God just clearly spoke to me about you,” he explained. He told me then he was pastor at the Newport Vineyard Church, a good place that I was familiar with. So I agreed to talk to him.
We went next door to a restaurant and sat down, and this is what he said: “God said when you were a kid, something bad happened to you that has made you afraid to speak in front of people ever since. But He wants you to begin speaking for Him, and He is going to open some doors. You are to walk through them.”
I was stunned. How in the ….? What? That was all I could muster. We talked some more before I left there and returned to my office. I just sat there literally in shock, amazed at how real and present God is all the time. And once again, how long I had suffered with that problem … and yet He had been there all along. Aware, loving me, but doing nothing about it.
Until now.
In high school, when I was struggling with it, I prayed a lot for God to help me, and He never did. But now, it seemed like He was stepping up. There was no way I could deny what just happened. That guy did not know me from Adam, nor what I did, nor anything about my problem or where it had come from.
The next week or so, I got two calls to speak to public groups. (“He is going to open some doors for you to speak and you are to walk through them.”) The first one was a Presbyterian pastor gathering with about fifty pastors. That would have been far more than I would have formerly agreed to and been able to do. But this time, I literally felt like I had no choice. Zero chance that I was not going to do it, no matter how scared I was. God had entered my space and told me to do it … and I could not run and hide. I was afraid I’d get swallowed by a whale if I did. I was way more afraid of how real and alive He was than whatever could happen if I melted down while speaking.
So, I asked a good friend of mine who prays for me, and also is a speech therapist, to come with me for support. She sat on the front row, and I stumbled my way through it. Barely. I don’t remember if they even liked it or not, but at least I’d gotten through the first test without passing out.
From there on, it was more and more practice as more “doors” began to mysteriously appear, out of nowhere. I was petrified each and every time, but gradually, I got more and more comfortable. It took about a year or so to feel more comfortable. Then, I was offered a radio show and was suddenly talking to a lot of people. Before then, there would have been no way.
That was decades ago … since then I have spoken thousands of times. And now, I actually enjoy it, and though I sometimes get a little helpful dose of “butterflies” before going up, I do not have any fear of going up. God has healed that, this time through showing up through a pastor in a gym shower and telling me to do it, so then a natural process psychologists call “desensitization” and “exposure” prevails. It is the gradual facing into what you fear, that the brain slowly learns the 7th grade teacher is no longer there.
In fact, as I write this, I just came back from speaking at a global leadership event that had hundreds of thousands of live attendees in arenas and auditoriums all over the world. And it was actually fun. As a psychologist, I believe the slow healing came through natural processes.
BOTTOM LINE:
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the impetus to get me into that process was supernatural. How else can you explain it? Who can begin to know where and how He is going to speak in your life, or anyone’s life? Are we not to pray openly, candidly, continually, submitting…
NEXT UP:
Tomorrow after tonight’s potential debating debacle, Billie Graham’s grandson will reappear with his well chosen words inspired by Mark Chapter Seven. Time for a break from the intensity of the Cloud! Loretta and I are at page 144 of 257 in Dr. Henry Cloud’s audible book “Why I Believe,” a book packed with such relevant impactful life stories confirming the wisdom he shares to guide and inspire our daily faith journey’s. Change your life and the lives of those in your pond’s ripples (circle of influence) by ordering several “Why I Believe” and loan them out. Less than $20 each at Amazon. I guarantee you’ll have your “loan to” list well started before you’ve read even half of the book.
Nearly every day I come across ideas and scriptures that are added to my file of dozens of ideas waiting in the wings for His anointing and development, such as the above! Blessings on your journey home. Read the signs. Listen to the compelling sounds! Stay the course. No excuses!